It was a magical month...

A satirical reflection written at the end of a fictional, idyllic September where all my overly ambitious To-Dos go as planned. Totally.

It was a magical month. I wrote a philosophical treatise about how hustle culture hustles us to hustle too much. It gets some buzz on social and I immediately turn it into a monetizable PDF to sell as a side hustle.

It was a magical month. My tweetstorm on the mental model to rule all mental models went viral and I got new 15,000 Twitter followers, become a micro-celebrity thoughtleader overnight. I now make the rounds on the podcasting circuit and may have a book deal in the works. One of my followers said he knows someone on the inside at Twitter and will expedite my blue check application.

It was a magical month. My personal flywheel gained so much momentum that it broke loose, overcame escape velocity, broke through the atmosphere, and got acquired by SpaceX. This flywheel generates so much leverage, passive income, and generational wealth for me that I’m set for at least 20 generations. I change my last name to FIRE allcaps so that my progeny never forget the dynasty I begat.

It was a magical month. I finally figured out crypto, made my own web3 DAO that mints NFTs using novel techniques of self-governance to make a few million dollars through folks apishly buying apes. I was plugged into Twitter and Discord 24/7 to make sure I was on top of (as well as driving) every hype train. I also now publish a link-dump newsletter on Substack which I’ve monetized with 2 annual subscribers so far. I’ve learned how to do DeFi with yield farming to generate passive income. I optimized my gaming PC’s graphics card to mine ether 0.5% faster. To top it all off, I published a crypto whitepaper for a new coin that will truly fix the world of its problems related to censorship, centralization of power, and lack of individual sovereignty once and for all, without any of the downsides like those other solutions.

It was a magical month. I took part in an Ultraspeaking course and became a superstar charismatic public speaker. My voice booms with confidence, when I order at Taco Bell I get a standing ovation, I speak before I think yet no one seems to notice, and I’m pretty sure I never say uhh or umm anymore.

It was a magical month. I did a 10 minute YouTube workout video daily on flexibility and now Ido Portal trains under me. I also moonlight under the #movementculture hashtag on Insta and have a niche cult following.

It was a magical month. I did qigong everyday and can now summon lightning from the heavens into the earth at will. I also figured out the secrets of inner alchemy and can now sweat gold, which I immediately exchange for Bitcoin as that’s the better asset.

It was a magical month. I caught up on all the shows and movies I wanted to watch. HBO Now, Netflix, Disney+, etc, you name it. Now when my friends start to tell me how Season 2 of XYZ lacked the quality of Season 1, I cut them off and finish their sentence before they can.

It was a magical month. I went through my Steam catalog and finished every game that I downloaded. I am fascinated by their storylines and how immersive, deep, and poignant they are as both games as well as works of art.

It was a magical month. I taught myself both Unity and Unreal Engine and now also use those 3D skill to draw plans for Tiny Homes. I also built a tiny home for $24,000 in materials (thank heavens lumber prices are down again) and flipped it for $85,000.

It was a magical month. I devoured a few dense philosophy books and now have the smug perspective of what life is reaaaally like, not what those other plebs watch on the cave walls.

It was a magical month. I got promoted at work again, met all my deadlines, published an academic paper based on my engineering work, and got cited a few thousand times. I ended up helping both academia and industry and my work moved a key company metric by a notable percentage. Wall Street also noticed this and now share prices are up. I also got a shot out in the last line of an internal org post.

It was a magical month. I found 20 more interesting newsletters to subscribe to, so now my list is up to 169. These help nourish my intellect, connect me to everything I should be knowing so I’m never out of the loop. I am now aware of every opportunity ever and this helped me break out of my normie prison.

It was a magical month. I learned a new programming framework that allows me to speed up 10x how fast I can ideate, prototype, and ship websites. I published a blog post on this which should’ve been quick but some quirky CSS issues made it take 20x longer.

It was a magical month. I ate healthy, did intermittent fasting, took cold showers, and made it through the whole month doing a daily 18:6 fast. I reverse aged and look 20 again so convincingly that I now get carded again when entering bars (and I don’t mean the vaccine card). My girlfriend is secretly mad at me because now I look younger than her.

It was a magical month. I found a few more online communities to become a part of. My daily routine now consists of perusing 31 Discord channels and 12 Circle groups with my morning tea. I am welcomed and celebrated in all of them. In one of them we become such good friends that we now rent out a ski house in Aspen every winter for a ski trip.

It was a magical month. I uncovered more things hidden since the foundation of the world. The truth hurts sometimes, but I try to handle it just fine just to prove Jack Nicholson wrong.

It was a magical month. I show up 200% in my relationship with my girlfriend, and the romance is alive and blazing with fiery passion. We plan a romantic trip to Tuscany next year where we’ll stay in a small villa atop the rolling hills and learn to make bucatini.

It was a magical month. I master Notion’s API and turbocharge my second brain into a third brain, giving my second brain it’s own second brain.